Luc Besson's 'Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets' Trailer May Melt Your Retinas

Holy fuck balls. Everyone chirping that Luc Besson’s Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets looks like The Fifth Element best hold onto their butts, because while there are certainly parallel elements, Valerian looks more like The Fifth Element jacked out of its mind on meth, with a handful of mushrooms as a kicker.

I don’t even know where to begin with this thing. All I can say is that, hell yes, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets looks every bit the absurd, magical, completely bat-shit insane sci-fi spectacle I hoped Luc Besson, that delightful weirdo, would deliver. This is some bright, festive, manic nonsense, and I love every second of it, even the groan-inducing, “Time flies when you’re having fun,” line. Let’s just hope it avoids the pitfalls of Jupiter Ascending and is actually nuts instead of just sucking.

I’m not even going to try to understand what this is about, nor do I care. All I want is to see this eyeball-scorching, candy-colored mind-fuck blasted across the biggest screen I can find as soon as humanly possible. Here’s a synopsis for those interested in such things:

Rooted in the classic graphic novel series, Valerian and Laureline- visionary writer/director Luc Besson advances this iconic source material into a contemporary, unique and epic science fiction saga. 

Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and Laureline (Cara Delevingne) are special operatives for the government of the human territories charged with maintaining order throughout the universe. Valerian has more in mind than a professional relationship with his partner- blatantly chasing after her with propositions of romance. But his extensive history with women, and her traditional values, drive Laureline to continuously rebuff him. 

Under directive from their Commander (Clive Owen), Valerian and Laureline embark on a mission to the breathtaking intergalactic city of Alpha, an ever-expanding metropolis comprised of thousands of different species from all four corners of the universe. Alpha’s seventeen million inhabitants have converged over time- uniting their talents, technology and resources for the betterment of all. Unfortunately, not everyone on Alpha shares in these same objectives; in fact, unseen forces are at work, placing our race in great danger.

My only worry about this is that it will devolve into a CGI nightmare, but for now, good lord I’m excited.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets stars Dane DeHaan, Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen, Rihanna, Rutger Hauer, Ethan Hawke, and John Goodman’s voice, and opens everywhere July 21.