xXx: Return of Xander Cage is nonsense
garbage. But holy shit if it isn’t the most entertaining nonsense garbage I’ve
seen in some time. Sit down, strap in, and prepare turn the person in the next
seat and ask, “what?” repeatedly. All while wearing an irrepressible idiot grin
from ear to ear.
In reality, I think the only person who wanted another
xXx movie to happen was star Vin Diesel. The 2002 original
certainly has a bit of a cult-ish following, but the Ice Cube-fronted 2005
sequel, xXx: State of the Union gets little such love. But that’s
part of the magic that is Vin Diesel. Somehow, through sheer force of will and
can-do attitude, he manages to get projects off the ground when no one else in
the world cares. I have to admire the determination.
I was not screaming for this movie. Even with my
proclivities for action trash, I’m not a fan of it’s X-Games-inspired predecessor
that thinks it’s way too cool for school but was dated before it hit theaters. That
said, xXx: Return of Xander Cage is a majestic blinding
flash of absurdity; of WTF, physics-defying, nonsensical mayhem. It’s glorious.
There were scenes where all I could do was slow clap. There’s a moment where I
threw my hands up as if in triumphant victory. I didn’t stop smiling or
giggling for the 107-minute runtime.
xXx tries to be edgy—the stench of
desperation overpowers as it practically begs the audience to think it’s cool. In
direct opposition, xXx: Return of Xander Cage knows
precisely the movie it is and the movie it wants to be. It’s claptrap action
chaos. Instead of a plot, F. Scott Frazier’s script stacks up one manic scene
on top of another, in a kind of “let’s throw out the craziest shit we can think
of, physically possible or not, and see what happens.”
It feels like the movie sprang to life from a night of
drunken one-upsmanship and escalating dares between Frazier, Vin Diesel, and
director D.J. Caruso. Like Frazier shouting, “I bet you can’t make a dude ski
through the jungle.” And Caruso responding, “I bet I can, motherfucker.” I can’t
picture another way this movie was created, and I love it.
I hate it when people say you need to turn off your brain to
enjoy a movie, but in the case of xXx: Return of Xander Cage, think about it too hard and you may pull something. It’s like
the cinematic personification of that lunkhead in high school who rammed his skull
into a locker at full speed to make his buddies laugh. It’s dumb as shit, but
in a remarkably endearing way.
When the unimaginatively named device, “Pandora’s Box,”
falls into the wrong hands, satellites start dropping from the sky. The only
person who can possibly save the day is extreme sports enthusiast Xander Cage
(Vin Diesel), who, as it turns out, isn’t actually dead—you probably guessed that
from the title of the movie. He assembles his team of ne’er-do-wells and
hooligans (as well as his trusty fur coat) and sets out to stop the bad guys and hump every sexy lady he sees.
Unfortunately for all of us, the villains don’t have a dope ass name like
Anarchy 99 this time. Could have done better on that front, after all, what’s a
cadre of international baddies without a catchy moniker?
There’s a sniper named Adele (Ruby Rose), who uses her
skills to “even the odds” against big game hunters; Nicks (Kris Wu), who is
best described as what I call a tactical DJ; a madman named Tennyson Torch
(Game of Thrones’ Rory McCann), who’s primary skillset seems
to be crashing cars for no reason; uptight tech nerd Becky (Nina Dobrev), who
may or may not have a sex swing; and an NSA goon, Jane Marke, played by Toni Collette, who has a gleefully campy time as the shady government spook. On the
other side are Xiang (the legendary Donnie Yen), Serena (Bollywood star Deepika
Padukone), Hawk (UFC middleweight champ Michael Bisping), and Talon (general
badass Tony Jaa, who I’m fairly certain is just playing human rooster, all the
way to his twitch head movements and bleached out faux hawk).
xXx: Return of Xander Cage obviously builds
its foundation on the action, stitched together by minimally coherent plot gymnastics.
It’s more the complete absurdity of the on screen spectacle that sells the
action rather than the mechanical achievement. It’s sound, but on a purely
technical level, it’s rather unremarkable.
The content is what makes the action stand out. Okay, we
want a chase scene where they surf on motorcycles or have a zero gravity fist
fight as a cargo jet plummets to the ground. And Caruso and company make this
happen without regard for plausibility, reality, science, or any of those other
pesky elements that get in the way. On a fundamental level, the action peaks
with Donnie Yen, who has a handful of badass fight scenes. xXx
3 generally underutilizes Tony Jaa and Michael Bisping, which is a
shame.
Admittedly, xXx: Return of Xander Cage
sags in the middle. It’s simply impossible to maintain the initial velocity,
and the momentum flags as the script pauses to cram in ill-timed character
beats; flip-flopping, thinly motivated shifts in allegiance; or when Vin Diesel
takes a moment to opine on the current state of the world. Oh great, Xander and
Serena have a three-minute conversation about their tattoos, awesome—though we
do finally get the backstory on Xander’s sweet flaming nipple tattoo, so there’s
that.
xXx: Return of Xander Cage isn’t for
everyone, but it has a specific niche—fans of Andy Sidaris films like
Hard Ticket to Hawaii should take note, this may well become
your new jam. But those in the mood for campy, winking, bonkers action mayhem,
look no further. [Grade: B+]
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