'xXx: The Return Of Xander Cage' Trailer Skis In The Jungle And Rides A Motorcycle On Water

Considering how much I have come to adore Vin Diesel for his over-the-top action spectacles, the fact that seems like a genuine, earnest dude, and his deep commitment to being a complete and utter nerd, his 2002 actioner xXx is not one I’ve ever been able to get behind. It’s not one of his finest moments. But apparently there was enough interest to make xXx: The Return of Xander Cage happen. (More accurately, Diesel had enough interest—the man has an endearing force of will to make whatever the hell he wants happen.) The unnecessary film just dropped its first trailer. The result is bugnuts fucking crazy and I’m now 100% enamored.

I don’t even know what to say or where to begin with this trailer. Is he skiing in the jungle? He certainly appears to ride a motorcycle on the water. Is Xander Cage an extreme sports Jesus? Fingers very much crossed.

All I can hope for is that xXx: The Return of Xander Cage is even half as insane as this trailer. If that happens, this may be the greatest movie ever made. It has explosions, ludicrous stunts, Donnie Yen, and Tony Jaa (I believe that’s him with the bleach blond hair kicking the guy off a motorcycle). There’s what look like a cadre of evil DJs, lots of club scenes, and that big fuzzy jacket he likes so much. Not to mention Xander’s total disdain for any garment with sleeves.

With lines like, “Kick some ass, and try to look dope while you’re doing it,” and “Guns, girls, global domination,” this promises to be imminently quotable.  Samuel L. Jackson is back as Augustus Eugene Gibbons, and I hope they find room for a Darius Stone cameo (Ice Cube from the ill-fated 2005 follow up, xXx: State of the Union).  

There’s a plot about how Xander Cage was left for dead, but now he’s back, but does that even matter? Spend the week before release pounding Red Bull in preparation and such details become inconsequential.

Directed by D.J. Caruso (I Am Number Four), xXx: The Return of Xander Cage also stars Ruby Rose, Nina Dobrev, Bollywood star Deepika Padukone, Ton Collette, Rory McCann, current UFC Middleweight champ Michael Bisping, and more.

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage blasts its way into theaters on January 20. A work of sublime absurdity, I already welcome this bonkers respite from end-of-the-year award-bait tedium. All I can say is, thank God for Vin Diesel.