Considering how much I have come to adore Vin Diesel for his
over-the-top action spectacles, the fact that seems like a genuine, earnest
dude, and his deep commitment to being a complete and utter nerd, his 2002
actioner xXx is not one I’ve ever been able to get behind.
It’s not one of his finest moments. But apparently there was enough interest to
make xXx: The Return of Xander Cage happen. (More
accurately, Diesel had enough interest—the man has an endearing force of will to
make whatever the hell he wants happen.) The unnecessary film just dropped its
first trailer. The result is bugnuts fucking crazy and I’m now 100% enamored.
I don’t even know what to say or where to begin with this
trailer. Is he skiing in the jungle? He certainly appears to ride a motorcycle on
the water. Is Xander Cage an extreme sports Jesus? Fingers very much crossed.
All I can hope for is that xXx: The Return of
Xander Cage is even half as insane as this trailer. If that happens,
this may be the greatest movie ever made. It has explosions, ludicrous stunts,
Donnie Yen, and Tony Jaa (I believe that’s him with the bleach blond hair
kicking the guy off a motorcycle). There’s what look like a cadre of evil DJs,
lots of club scenes, and that big fuzzy jacket he likes so much. Not to mention
Xander’s total disdain for any garment with sleeves.
With lines like, “Kick some ass, and try to look dope while
you’re doing it,” and “Guns, girls, global domination,” this promises to be imminently
quotable. Samuel L. Jackson is back as
Augustus Eugene Gibbons, and I hope they find room for a Darius Stone cameo
(Ice Cube from the ill-fated 2005 follow up, xXx: State of the Union).
There’s a plot about how Xander Cage was left for dead, but
now he’s back, but does that even matter? Spend the week before release pounding
Red Bull in preparation and such details become inconsequential.
Directed by D.J. Caruso (I Am Number Four), xXx: The Return of Xander Cage also stars
Ruby Rose, Nina Dobrev, Bollywood star Deepika Padukone, Ton Collette, Rory
McCann, current UFC Middleweight champ Michael Bisping, and more.
xXx: The Return of Xander Cage blasts its
way into theaters on January 20. A work of sublime absurdity, I already welcome
this bonkers respite from end-of-the-year award-bait tedium. All I can say is, thank God for Vin Diesel.
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